Hmmph.

A's wise(st?) words - "It's all about balance."

Now, like some of you probably did, I initially dismissed it as yinyang new ages spiritualist nonsense. Balance?? Like, because of the forces that be in the universe?? Or chi? Or chakras and stuff? I mean, the only balance I can think of is that of tightrope walking, but I'm sure that's completely irrelevant.

I think his point was that compulsiveness and obsession and headlong tumbling and throwing of oneself into something is unwise and ill-advised. Right. That makes more sense.

But how do you do that? How do you choose to risk yourself but be balanced at the same time? Surely when people say to take risks, be brave and courageous, go forth and something something, it's an all or nothing situation - you put everything on the table and either you walk out a winner or you lose everything you've got, right? Don't say wrong, because it surely can't be the other way where you decide to give it all you've got and then you come out just ok if things fall apart. There's no such thing as 'ok' if you live truthfully and courageously and genuinely and completely. Right? Right.

So. Balance. It's important, yes. But impossible, in practice, no? Because I think that the only way I can maintain balance is if I give some, but not all, reveal a little, but hide more, offer a portion, but guard the rest. Balance. Some for you and some for me. It doesn't work if I give all of me for you and none of me for me.

Which is why it absolutely cannot work when you take all of me for you but give a tiny little bit of you for some of me. That's unfair. That's not balance. That's bullshit. That's always saying no, including to the fact that it is true you don't ever say yes.

Trying not to let resentment enter my heart but maybe in it's place the realisation of all this bullshit is sinks in.

Waking the Dead

John Eldredge is my hero in very many ways!

Finally, after about 6 years, I have decided that I want my heart back. Every bit of it that I had lost along the way, or that had died in battle, or been wounded by hurt and ill-treatment. I want my heart whole and unblemished, good and pure, not a heart of stone it was, that I desired once upon a time, but a living heart, beating and soft and open and Yours. My heart is good, because I have been given a new heart, and I claim it now, every piece of it.

I want my heart, whole and unblemished, good and pure, all for You.

And you.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Remembering.

Yesterday's laughter-filled evening was such a gift from God, who is indeed such a loving father, eager to lavish good things on me even when I am tantrum-throwing, petulant and impertinent. I had basically gone to Him being all like, this is so hard, being at church and feeling like I don't belong, please help! And lo and behold, He made my evening wonderful - just like the old times.

I miss the old times. When we were all young and silly. And did silly things. Like sit in the park for hours. Or lie by the streets all evening. Chatting all through the day and night, until we fell in love with one another. Somewhere along the way I packed my bags and left (I know not where to). Sometimes I returned for a quick visit but I was never really around any more. And it all went by so quickly, and I forgot.

In some ways, I'm glad I never really ever got over it, because God uses it to teach me things, draw me to Him and His people. Strange how it is always so, but unsurprising. Soon, it will all be finished. And I think I know what my decision will be.

Grass stains.

For you.

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you but everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh
So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh
For you-ooh-ooh-ooh.

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like....
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees,
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blue for you.

I got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue for you-ooh-ooh-ooh

For you-ooh-ooh-ooh
So black and blue-ooh-ooh-ooh
For you-ooh-ooh-ooh

Wouldn't it be nice if...?

I've always wished Singapore was at worst about as far away as Derby is from London ever since I moved to London. I hate flying alone - it's not so much the 13 hours alone on the plane that gets me down, it's more the sat in the airport waiting lounge all by yourself knowing that this necessary waste of time is preventing you from enjoying the extra 60 minutes with your beloved friends and family who are less than 1 mile away from you. =/ It's been 4 years and more than 13 solo flights between continents and cities and I still feel as reluctant to leave as the first time. I hate leaving my family, no matter how much they wind me up (and believe me, they have wound me up more than I was able to tolerate this visit, resulting in tear-filled phone calls to K!) they are my family and I feel safe around them.

Still, I am looking forward to being back in Londontown. Feeling slightly refreshed I supposed and ready to deal with real life there (everything's so inverted now). The boat's not being rocked, but it might. Nothing is ever certain in life, no?

Exam season is so mind-numbingly dull.x

farewell british summer!

It is the end of what was a very wet and unsunshine-filled summer. We still have a few days to go, but after getting caught in about 3 thunderstorms now, I officially declare it autumn. Although, England is always wet and gloomy, so I'm not sure if it really is Autumn, or if it is just English-weather. How many conversations such awful weather inspires! An ex-colleague mentioned moving here soon - hopefully the weather doesn't completely put her off!

I really love my flatmate, I do. Sometimes I moan about her and have a go at her for various things, but at the end of the day, I'm glad I'm living with her and no anyone else. She DID throw me the awesomest 21st tea-dinner party last year!(: And she also totally kicked-ass today!(: LOVE.

Sometimes I lose the feeling of joy and wonder at being here. Moving up and away from central makes this place lose its feeling of being this place. But I must never lose my sense of excitement and awe at waking up each morning and walking through the city. The city, the City!

Horse trials in Henley tomorrrow!(:x

sleep.

coffee is my best friend.

(and also reminds me of bristol and monmouth times with mandy.)